The ADHD Friendship Curse? How to Overcome Out of Sight, Out of Mind
I’ve been accused of being a terrible friend before, which really really hurts.
It hurts because I feel like I’m trying so hard to be a good friend, and I get blindsided when someone accuses me of not following through or that our friendship is one way only or some other hurtful description. Yet another case of my actions not lining up with my intentions. I try and try and try to be a good friend and be thoughtful and check in on them and remember important dates and all the things that come with being a good friend.
But, like many people with ADHD, my efforts often fall short.
Or when I do remember, it always feels like it’s been too long since I’ve said anything… and it just feels too awkward to even say hi. So I wait until I can think of something good to say to break the ice. And that “something good to say” never comes. So the cycle repeats again and suddenly it’s been 11 months since I’ve even spoken to one of my closest friends.
And now it feels really awkward to reach out.
Why We Lose Touch (Even When We Don’t Mean To)
The problem is, my brain is set in the now, always thinking about what is right in front of me and what I can take immediate action on. In school or work it’s a bit easier because you literally walk into those friends and they become part of your “now”.
But when you don’t see them, you don’t think of them. And we forget to ever reach out to say hello and maintain that friendship.
Out of sight, out of mind.
It’s not about not caring, it’s a symptom of how our brains manage our attention.
Why Traditional Advice Doesn’t Work
Raise a hand if you’ve ever heard:
“Just check in regularly!”
“If you cared, you would reach out.”
“Can’t you just make it a habit?”
The problem isn’t that we don’t want to stay in touch, it’s that our brain doesn’t remember to remember to take action on it at the right time.
ADHDers have a deficit in prospective memory (i.e. remembering to remember to do something later) so we don’t remember our intentions when we’re actually in a place to take action.
Instead of just trying harder and feeling worse, we need better systems to help.
3 ADHD-Friendly Ways to Keep Friendships Alive
Here are a few tips designed to work with your ADHD brain:
1. The Reminder Reflex Rule
If something reminds you of a friend—a meme, a song, a random commercial—don’t just think about them. Text them, right away! Share the moment with them!
If you wait until later, you’ll more than likely forget. So make it a reflexive action.
If it’s a bad time to text, most phones now have the ability to schedule a text for later. A quick “hey, thinking of you!” text helps keep friendships going.
2. Tie Check-Ins to Existing Routines
Instead of just hoping you’ll remember, link your friend check-ins with something you already do on a regular basis.
Drinking morning coffee? Text a friend a good morning message.
Walking the dog? Send someone a quick voice note.
Stuck in traffic? Call someone (hands-free) instead of putting on another podcast.
3. Use a System That Helps You Remember
I love using tools and technology to help me better manage my brain and remind me of things I might otherwise forget. Alarms and calendar reminders can help, but they can get overwhelming and just become part of the noise.
That’s why I’m building Wavepal (with a good friend of mine—synergy!). It’s a personal relationship tracker to help me better manage my friendships. It’s built to keep friendships from fading and help me remember to stay in touch with the people that matter most.
(It also helps me track important details like kids names and when we last hung out)
If this sounds like something you need, join the waitlist here!
Stay curious,
Jesse J. Anderson
P.S. Last chance to jump on NeuroDiversion tickets and come see me in Austin next week (yep, back to Austin for me)! I’ll be speaking on a panel with Dani Donovan, Trina Haynes, and Chris Wang which is going to be a ton of fun!
I agree with all of that, and the thing is that we need to get over the 'it's been too long' thought. Because that one will just keep you stuck and will absolutely cause broken friendships.
I have many thoughts on this topic. Would love to chat with you, Jesse.