Reader Q&A: ADHD Diagnosis, Managing Unsupportive Family, and Finding Motivation

❓Answering questions about ADHD, life, etc

Hey friends,

Every month or so I like to do a reader Q&A, where you submit your burning ADHD questions and I try to help answer. If you want to ask question for a future one, you can submit them here: https://forms.gle/LARzva8vZhg6T6DN9

Let’s dive in!

Questions Preview:

• How do I get diagnosed with ADHD?

• How do you deal with living with family who don’t believe you have ADHD if you don't have access to an official diagnosis, even though my therapist and I are confident I have ADHD?

• Do you feel like your ADHD has gotten WORSE since your diagnosis and the more you've learned about it? I felt like I used to just accept how I functioned and didn't question it, but now am so utterly aware of the ways my brain is making things "harder" for me!

• I don't have any deadlines and that has exponentially dropped my productivity. How can I overcome this slump?

• What sources do you use to find out about the new apps and things that you put on your shiny objects section?

• Do you experience a constant flow of great ideas—things that would be fun to try, help others, etc? If so, how do you capture those ideas, prevent yourself from launching in without thinking, and prioritize what you’re doing based on reality rather than ADHD wishful thinking?

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How do I get diagnosed with ADHD?

This is one of the most common questions I get and unfortunately one of the most difficult ones to answer. The problem is it varies greatly depending on where you live, what insurance you have, etc.

First off, none of this is medical advice—I have no professional medical training or anything, so this is just me sharing my own experience.

A good place to start is by talking to your general doctor, but it’s important to know that there is often a lot of stigma around ADHD, and if your doctor dissuades you from diagnosis you will likely need to seek out a second opinion.

Last year, I spoke with Dr. Tish Gentile about how you can best prepare for an ADHD Diagnosis when you make an appointment with your doctor. Highly recommend listening to this episode:

ADHD Nerds - Dr. Tish Gentile: How to Prepare for ADHD Diagnosis

I live in the US, and when I was seeking diagnosis, I searched my insurance specialist directory for people that specialized in ADHD. I found several names, but most of them were only seeing children at the time. I did find someone that treated adults and was eventually able to get my diagnosis that way.

In some countries like the UK and Canada, I believe you need to get onto a waiting list which may take years. You can also seek out a private practice but it may be quite expensive.

There are also companies that will diagnose online, but a lot of them are a bit shady so be cautious and do your research.

I’ve personally talked with people from both ADHD Online and Marker Learning and they both seemed legit. I also went through their evaluation processes and I had a positive experience with both of them, but that’s just one unprofessional opinion.

I have talked with both companies about potentially partnering in the future, but currently we are not partnering and those aren’t affiliate links or anything like that. Just sharing that they seem like good companies that are truly trying to help people out.

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How do you deal with living with family who don’t believe you have ADHD if you don't have access to an official diagnosis, even though my therapist and I are confident I have ADHD?

Often I think people will deny an ADHD diagnosis because they don’t really understand ADHD or believe one of the many myths about it (“it’s an excuse to be lazy”, “only hyperactive boys have ADHD”, “it’s just kids addicted to tv and video games”, “something something big pharma”, etc).

Before I was diagnosed, I said “there’s no way I have ADHD because I have no problem focusing on things I’m interested in.” I believed another myth that people with ADHD can’t focus on anything, and I had hyperfocus. Then I later learned that hyperfocus is common with ADHD. 🙃

I’ve found that for people with biases against the label of ADHD, it can help to focus on specifics that apply to you and your situation.

For example, saying things like “I struggle with time, it just feels like I don’t notice that time is passing. Even when it’s really important, my brain just doesn’t get those signals that time has passed.”

Or explaining the way your brain works, without saying “…because I have ADHD.”

Another important factor to consider with family: ADHD often affects multiple people in the same family. So a parent (with undiagnosed ADHD) might look at your behavior and think “that’s not ADHD, that’s just how everyone is,” not knowing that they only think that because they also are experiencing ADHD.

Before diagnosis, I often explained away my ADHD symptoms as “family quirks” because I knew my dad and my brother had a lot of the same things—turns out our whole family has ADHD!

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Do you feel like your ADHD has gotten WORSE since your diagnosis and the more you've learned about it? I felt like I used to just accept how I functioned and didn't question it, but now am so utterly aware of the ways my brain is making things "harder" for me!

Interesting question! I don’t think this has been the case for me, though I do understand where you’re coming from. It can be easy to get inside your own head about stuff like this.

If we only focus on the difficulties, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy where those struggles with motivation, time, etc can become even more pronounced because we notice them when they happen.

One thing that I think can help is to try to develop strategies for those common struggles and reframe your recognition of them as a trigger for jumping to a strategy.

For example, instead of thinking “oh no, I’m can’t get motivated because my brain is bored! I’m doomed,” I try to instead think, “oh I’m struggling with motivation, how can I use the 4 Cs of motivation to help me build up some momentum?”

Four Cs of Motivation

Or if I forget about something important, I try to think “what could I do so that this has a different outcome next time?”

I will fully admit, I am not amazing at this! Sometimes I definitely can get down on myself, and just feel like I’m failing all over the place.

Especially in the beginning after diagnosis, I found myself in a bit of a mourning period where I dwelled on the lost opportunities and ways that ADHD sabotaged me in the past. But now I really try to be lighthearted about it when I can, and use those struggles as a pivot point to apply a strategy or try something new.

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I don't have any deadlines and that has exponentially dropped my productivity. How can I overcome this slump?

I can SOOOO relate to this! I’ve experienced this a lot with writing my book.

The biggest thing I’ve done to help with this is create deadlines. But the trick is, they can’t just be me saying “I’m gonna do this before next Friday” because you will totally cheat your own deadlines.

For the book, I hired an editor to give me deadlines so that I had to hit them. They weren’t just something I made up but an actual deadline that my editor was relying on so he could fit the editing between other projects.

I’ve also done deadlines by announcing things to people, and then forcing myself to deliver on time.

This often drives me because I’m afraid to disappoint people, and this can lead to some unhealthy patterns so you have to be careful here if you are prone to people-pleasing. But these external deadlines help motivate me.

Another thing that I really need to do more often is body doubling. Whenever I do this, it works super well! But I definitely don’t do it often enough.

I talked more about this in an issue earlier this year:

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What sources do you use to find out about the new apps and things that you put on your shiny objects section?